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March 31, 2016

Going Beyond Fear….

“Fear: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat”.
YES!! Yes, thank you Webster’s Dictionary for perfectly describing the very feeling I am having as I start my new venture as a Photographer. This is the exact same feeling I have while writing my first ( and due to the overwhelming feeling, potentially my last) blog post!
I often wonder why I fear so much. I certainly don’t present as someone who is afraid. My confidence is high, I dress well, I speak well, I love meeting new people and I usually offer tons of encouragement pushing others to follow new pursuits. But as I enter this new phase, I feel it.  I feel all of it. The threat, the danger, this overwhelming, palpable feeling of darkness……I have to finally face it…….fear.
But why is it here at all?  It doesn’t come from not liking my work. I have actually felt quite proud of how much I enjoyed this new hobby right from the beginning. I just picked it up and happened to be quite good at it.
No, my fear doesn’t come from judging myself, I’ve never really had hangups like that about my work. Perhaps then my fear is coming from a place of not being able to meet the expectations others have set. Perhaps I am focusing to much on what is in someone else’s head and all of a sudden the expectations become unrealistic and I become afraid of something I have manifested.
I admit it, hands down, I don’t like cristism, I like to be liked, I like to be patted on the back, as much as I like to play it cool and enjoy having a no-nonsense, “who gives a shit” attitude about negativity. I admit I have this need to have people love every shot, every angle, every moment.  And that’s where the fear comes in. The fear of not being accepted. I guess that’s why this is so difficult. You see, when it comes to doing something new, it literally feels like the worst thing ever!
I know I am not one dimensional, but I am afraid others don’t know that……I know I have talents that go beyond what others know me for. I am allowed to be more than a mom, a wife, a friend and a Flight Attendant.  I am allowed to be a fantastic photographer, but when it comes down to doing it, I mean, really putting myself out there and doing it, I start to let the worry take over. I begin to focus way to much on the unwanted, unwelcome criticism that might come with my new venture and I lose all sense of the confident woman I see before me. All of a sudden I become 5% photographer and like 95% stress!
What if the cliche that made me jump was wrong?  What if I don’t fly? What if I fall flat and everyone around me just purses their lips and shakes their heads?!
What if…..what if i’m not who I am trying to be?  I guess the scariest thing of all…….not really knowing if I’m all that I say I am and now I have all these people along with me while I am trying to figure it out.
So now, on my new venture, I sit here. I sit here raw and exposed and I ask you to look at me as something other than someone that you have always thought.  Today I am everything I listed but I am also a photographer who loves this new career with a new depth of passion I didn’t know I had left for something.
My new journey allows me to show the story of love in many different forms.  I am humbled that people allow me to tell their story and in return I have chosen to start this blog and share my story.
I am going to go beyond fear and I am going to share my life, my loves and my passions in a new way in hopes that people will come with me and maybe they won’t be afraid to start their own new story.
xo,
-JC

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